Selo Science - Hair Growth

 Andrijko here. You may not know this, but my Mama and I are in a never-ending argument about the length of my hair. Every email or text message I get from her ends with “Get a haircut.” But I rarely get that haircut. My family in my Didusyk’s selo, Selotvyn, wanting to help me out, has explained to me the science behind the optimal time to get a haircut…that is, when hair grows the fastest, thus ensuring the inches of hair which will have just been chopped off will grow back with maximum efficiency.

Before I proceed, I would like to go on the record and officially state that my Хресна gives the best haircuts in the world. She keeps this mop of mine neat and tidy on those rare occasions where I begrudgingly give in to Mama’s nagging. I have also already told her she can never retire, because she always has been, and always will be, the only person to cut my hair. Thanks Хресна!

I would also like to officially state, for those of you that may not know, that I love my Mama, and hair is one of the few areas where we disagree.

Let’s continue. So when is the best time to get a haircut? It all depends where the moon is in its lunar cycle.

If you want your hair to grow back quickly, do not cut it when the moon is in its last quarter or waning crescent phases. See Fig. 1.

Fig. 1. a. Waning Crescent Moon

Fig. 1. b. Last Quarter Moon

In the phases pictured above, the moon makes a “C” shape. Using the Cyrillic alphabet, this clearly stands for Cпадає, meaning, “falls,” as in, “falls out.” Instead of growing nice and long like you want it to (TWSS), it is within this period where your hair is more like to actually fall out. Further research into this area may explain male pattern baldness. Take note, Marko Moroz, (See Fig. 2) but I digress.

Fig. 2. Marko Moroz

If you want your hair to grow back quickly, make sure to get it cut when the moon is in its waxing crescent or first quarter phases. See Fig. 3. 

Fig. 3. a. First Quarter Moon

Fig. 3. b. Waxing Crescent Moon

 

In this above phases, the moon makes a “D” shape. Don’t be fooled, this doesn’t mean anything. The secret lies when one looks up at the moon, and places one’s index finger in one’s line of sight.

Doing so makes a “Р” shape. Using the Cyrillic alphabet, this stands for “Росте,” as in “grows.” Based on the above facts, we can logically conclude that during the moon's waxing crescent and first quarter phases are the best time for me, and anyone who wants their hair to grow back quickly, to get a haircut. 

Modern Science? Higgs-Boson? Hell no.

I’ll tale Selo Science any day!

Full credit goes out to my family in Selotvyn. I am but a humble messenger of their wisdom.

More to come!